love is colder than death

Libby Hill Park, 5/1/12

If I lived out here in Church Hill I feel like I might actually be content in Richmond.  True, it’s “far away” and “way out,” but that’s one of the things I like about this neighborhood.  No moronic bros and co-eds, no noise, no traffic…just peaceful tree-lined streets and a cool breeze coming off of the river below the hill.  The commute to work, the grocery store, etc. would be well worth the tranquility and isolation.

In less than 3 weeks I’ll be 30 years old.  The number itself doesn’t bother me; what I find distressing is how alienated I feel.  The world around me seems to be getting stupider as I get older.  Nobody values culture or intelligence.  (Funny, as I write this tourists are loading off of a bus.)  I try not to let the empty and vapid behavior of other people get to me, but sometimes it’s hard when you feel so utterly surrounded with your back against the wall and no one by your side.
Well, me not having anyone to rely on is almost true…

Over the past year a close friend of 11 years pushed himself away from me when he became overwhelmed by his personal problems, eventually cutting ties altogether.  More recently I had a friend of 6 years distance herself from me because I got a Boyd Rice related wolfsangel tattoo.  A friend in Philadelphia decided to stop being friends with me because she couldn’t accept the fact that I no longer shared her polyamorous view on relationships.  All of these instances remain somewhat of a mystery to me, and they still hurt immensely.  But I’ve come to realize that all there is to hold on to now are memories of happy times that had their day.  I’m open to reconciliation and communication, but if these people don’t want to pursue that route I have no choice but to respect that decision.

While I may have lost some friends, I found something even rarer:  true love. 

A. is quite literally everything I could ever want and need in another human being.  He is warm, caring, considerate, smart, witty, honest, handsome…I could go on and on and on.  The best part is that he loves me as infinitely as I love him.  From time to time I feel like my life is directionless and futile; but if he was not a part of it I would be truly lost.

Maybe that’s why I get so jealous.  A. is outgoing and engaging and seems to know everybody.  It’s totally unrealistic and ridiculous, but I want him all to myself.  My greed and insecurity has led me to delete my Facebook account or block ex-girlfriends (or even close women friends) of his so I can’t see their posts on his page, making it easier to pretend like they don’t exist.  They pose no kind of threat, and I feel silly and immature-but I get so inwardly jealous of A.’s past.  Mainly because I wish I had been a part of it.

But I keep telling myself that the present and the future is what’s important.  I think one reason I get so depressed sometimes is that I dwell and brood over things that have already happened.  I think my insecurities will be further alleviated once A. and I live together.  If I could move in with him I would do it tomorrow (and I think he would too), but the lease on my current apartment just renewed so I’m there another year.  It’s tough being so close to someone and wanting to share everything with him but still living separate lives in separate spaces.  However, I know that A. will be there at the end of the day, and that’s just as important.

Really, I have all the means for contentment at my fingertips:  an amazing boyfriend who loves me for me, a great job where I get to hang out with animals all day (as well as working with co-workers who are friendly and helpful), wonderful parents who support me no matter what, 3 cats who are like my children, a smattering of friends who visit me from time to time, financial security and the means/freedom to travel…even if it is just a respite to Church Hill.

The void that I face every once in a while is essentially self-created and self-imposed.  I really need to focus on what’s right in front of me.  I always have been and I always will be a misanthrope.  However I don’t want to be bitter and hard of heart.  There are plenty of shitty people and experiences out there, but I absolutely cannot let them detract and distract me from the potential good.  That’s no way to live, and I live in hope.